Grouch, the Fish

Sometimes out of the corner of my eye I catch my fish Grouch staring at me just like this. It's a little disconcerting as I am quite certain that he is smarter than the average fish. I always wonder what he is thinking. Why do I think Grouch is smarter than your average beta, you ask?
1. He knows that every morning at 9 am I feed him, I know he knows, because every morning when he sees me he stares at me until I notice him. Then when I do notice him, he begins swimming erratically almost like he is having a aquatic seizure, until he gets food. This is not his normal throughout the day behavior.
2. When he gets tired of swimming he takes a rest on top of his plastic plant. I mean a real rest where he completely stops moving. If he weren't still upright, I might think he was dead. This may seem lazy to some uncreative people, really it is amazing he figured out how to take a break from all that water treading he does.
3. I've seen him inscribing his memoirs into the tank rocks, and while he hasn't yet disclosed the title to me, I trust that it will win the Pulitzer.

No Title Necessary

I am going to start calling this blog "Lindsay's life of self-loathing" because all my behaviors and attitudes in the last month have made me pretty disgusted by me. I really want to make it stop.

This really isn't who I am, it really isn't who I want to be at all. I am self loathing a little bit right now about all the complaining I do on this blog, and think I might give it up while I work on my attitude adjustment.

Also

This cute boy gave me his letterman's jacket, and even though this isn't the 1950's, I still feel like that is a special thing. Kind of like Winnie in Wonder Years, or Topanga in Boy Meets World. I also get to keep it for an indefinate amount of time. It's basically like we are going steady.

SNOW!!! Do it.

Snow snow snow snow!! Please snow so that I don't have to go to work tomorrow. If I don't go to work, I can spend all day reading and waiting for the UPS man to deliver my new V. Secret yoga pants. Then, I swear I will go to the gym. Just please snow! Not only snow, you must also stick! Stick snow, stick!

I hate being ridiculous

Here is a synopsis of my night: early on, got emotional over the thought of the boy going to school in a different town, snapped at him and cut him off. Then went to the nightlight, got lost in the crowd at the last 80's night ever, couldn't find my ride but decided to leave because I was being followed by two creepers around the dance floor. This is where I decide I am too stubborn to now call the boy or anyone else for help. I proceed to walk in the direction of home in the frost with no jacket. Then I start to cry: it's dark, I'm scared and cold. I realize my car is at Kristen's house farther up Lakeway. I call my sister, wake her up, make her worry, and then come pick me up from the side of the road. I only had two drinks all night, and I am wishing I could blame my craziness on alcohol rather than on myself. But I shoulder it.

Please leave me comments about your nights if irrational dysfunction so that I can feel like I am not the only "crazy girl".

Carelessness vs. Maturity: the inverse ratio

I eat a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich every day for lunch at work. It reminds me of being in middle school. Driving to work today I thought: remember when I never had to go to work. Remember when I was a freshman in college and mom and dad paid for everything. And I took easy classes and skipped when I wanted and did what I wanted all day. Remember when I had no responsibilities and didn't worry about making rent or health insurance or paying off my credit card. I kind of wish I hadn't taken those days for granted so much. I mean, I like working and earning my own money, but utter carelessness is gone, perhaps forever. At least until retirement.

Speaking of which, I have $80 in my 401(k). The fact that I have a 401(k) is impressive. The fact that I contribute a large portion of my meager pay to it every month is amazing. Thinking of putting money away for something that won't happen for another 40 years is a pretty crazy thought for a 23 year old. But see, I am mature, and do it! Now if I could just get myself to stop compulsively buying $3 coffees every morning. Hahaha.

Maybe if I were really really mature I would go back to work now.

Maybe I will go back to work, not because I am really really mature, but because I am up for review and don't want to risk my possible pay raise by slacking off. (That raise could pay for my daily cup o' joe and another $5 in my 401(k).

New Years Resolution - Halfway through January

I have spent more money that I don't have: namely Victorias Secret yoga/workout pants. As soon as I hit the Pay button I began to have buyers remorse, but then when they arrived and I yanked them on, that disappeared. I love them. I love love them. In fact I kind of want another pair...

I get to do some marketing this week and am contacting all the local and regional papers about ad rates and circulation. I feel so grown up. Aren't you proud? I am also speech writing for an event and I might end up MC'ing it which would be cool. Granted it's an event for the "tulip ambassador" and the contestants are all 5th graders. Still great though. I know some of you teachers in training out there can relate to joys of making speeches to 5th graders. Haha. I may also accompany the winners to Olympia to meet the governor. I will be like part of the entourage for these two 12 year olds. (Wait how old are fifth graders again?)

I am also excited for Better Lovers sweatshirts and I want one in maroon!! Okay, we can see that my non-existent funding doesn't stop me at all!

Right now I am sitting at my desk at work, listening to my boss go "mm-hmmmm, mm-hmmmm, mm-hmmmm" on the telephone in a high falsetto pitch. It reminds me of the annoying phone lady on Office Space.

I was thinking the other night that among the character compliments people have paid me in my life (persuasive, driven, smart, independent, or whatever) I can't remember the last time someone called me kind or compassionate or empathetic. That makes me sad. I think my New Year's resolution is to try to be more kind. Like go-out-of-my-way-to-do-something-nice kind. Because although I am pretty independent and driven, I think I am overlooking the whole slow down and smell the roses joy in life. So there we have it.

So I will back up and say that my boss is not like the annoying phone lady in Office Space with a high falsetto voice, but a nice man who at least works hard.

Good song and brown hair

I have been listening to this song pretty much nonstop - such a good mood fit!




Brown Hair:

Just to trump Kelly Walden

Business School?

I have officially been a brunette for four days now.... I like it, I just have to get used to the new mirror reflection - I keep having little double takes with myself whenever I pass reflective surfaces. The hairstylist did a good job though and I'm having fun with it.

It's been a PMS weekend for sure. Don't know what my problem is but I have felt super moody for the last few days. Could be a combo of PMS, stress about grad applications combined with the fact that I was disappointed about my GMAT scores. On Friday I almost cried at work because I couldn't figure out why my petty cash wasn't reconciling.... really. And that got me thinking - what if business school isn't right for me, and if it isn't, what the hell am I doing?! I sucked at math on the GMAT, I sucked at balancing the checking account for work and I just feel really really incompetent this week. I have taken it out a lot on the boy which is unfair, as usual, and just makes me feel like a bitch. It gets difficult for me to joke along with him or with anyone when I am feeling grumpy. At this point I just want calm, a serious conversation, someone to reassure me; not someone to poke fun at me for small things or make faces at me or hit me in the face with their scarf. I hate having to constantly say "please don't." I wish people would sometimes know when to stop.

I also know that I can't expect the boy or my roommates or my other friends to read my mind. I forget that too often. I also think I am just more irritable than other people when my life gets confusing - which seems to be frequently in the last year or so. Obviously, since I complain about this in almost every blog. Ha.

The boy once told me that he was "waiting for the other shoe to drop" and now every time I get snappy with him I wonder if he's thinking, "yup, she's just as crazy as all girls." It would defininately be well deserved.

Anyway, off to Christmas dinner with the roommates. We couldn't do it before Christmas, so now seems like a good a time as any. I am pretty excited for some good food and a "Bellingham Blonde" ale, even though it's not as fitting for me anymore...